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Time and Time again

I’ve always loved colouring books and paintings; the strokes, the swirls, the faded creations, the strong hues, the ways some colours seemed to glint and bounce off each other, the emotions that kept falling in and out of place…mirroring the way I’m feeling at the moment. *Knock Knock* *Knock Knock* That sound of consistent knocking...

I’ve always loved colouring books and paintings; the strokes, the swirls, the faded creations, the strong hues, the ways some colours seemed to glint and bounce off each other, the emotions that kept falling in and out of place…mirroring the way I’m feeling at the moment.

*Knock Knock*

*Knock Knock*

That sound of consistent knocking means someone is refusing to leave my door. Ten more minutes, and it’ll turn into a pounding of different fists. Can they just leave me for once?! Turning sharply to my left, I trip on my journal. A little bright book that says ‘you’ll never walk alone’. I want to bring my book and all its characters into my swirling journey to freedom. Just one problem though, I already cancelled all my characters. When I started seeing my therapist, I got a lot of drugs and my little bright book. In it, I wrote the names of all the people that made me happy and their roles in my life. I made a hierarchy of how important they were and how losing me would make them feel. Each time one of them made a mistake or made me feel bad, I would bring out my book and cancel the name. As time passed, I realized I had cancelled and written names over and over again. Humans ain’t shit. Maybe the problem is me. I am the problem.

*Knock Knock*

The person knocking is probably getting tired by the sound of it. Five more minutes, and he’ll leave. My throat feels parched, so I felt around for something, anything, and grabbed my phone. Twenty minutes ago, I had posted a tweet of how I planned to end my life. It’ll be a silent journey, of course. I didn’t want anybody to stop me but I needed to show them that I had that power, I guess. I Just wanted to reach out to someone, I guess. I only wanted to tell them I had tried so hard, I got so tired, I guess. Everything is swirling. These colours ain’t shit afterall. Just four retweets and one like. Humans ain’t shit. But no one is responsible for your actions, I guess.

*Knock Knock*

I wish I could answer this person but my phone is ringing and the colours won’t stop swirling. They’re not even strong or faded. But I won’t pick this call. I need to prove that I can do this. I’m tired afterall. I won’t deny that I’m slowly panicking though. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long for me to die. Death ain’t shit afterall. Now isn’t the time to start remembering how life can be enjoyable sometimes. I don’t even know why I decided to kill myself. I was so tired of everything, now all I want to do is live, so I could spite those four retweets. Like boo, I’m still alive!!! You didn’t tell me anything but I did it. I decided to kill myself but I still lived. I cannot exactly explain what is going on with me. It was a implusive decision. Can someone reach out to me already!!! I’m dying but I don’t want it anymore. It’s taking too long and I don’t want it anymore. Help me! Break down the door if you have to. Plea…

*Knock Knock*

“Amoda, you dey house? Nepa don come o”

It’s 9:15am and I’m still alive. I still have to pay bills. I didn’t die afterall. These drugs ain’t shit.

 

 -Shola Ajayi

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2 Comments
  1. Sokuma Theophilus Mshelia

    Beautifully sad!!

  2. 😢

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